You know how you hear a story & you think.. "That's so sad..I can't imagine if that was me?", "that poor person.. They didn't deserve that".. "I can't imagine how that possibly feels.."..
It just sucks when you ARE that person- when you are the person everyone feels sorry for, when you are the person that no one knows what to say to, when you are the person that's awkward to make conversation with.. that's me now.. Sadly.. there's so many people just like me too.
I'm very grateful for everyone who tries hard, for all of the prayers.. I'm sorry for when I'm awkward.. I'm just a sad person right now that has trouble talking about things other than my family & Lily (outside of work that is)..
Just like you all may not know what to say to us.. We don't always know what to say to other people either sometimes. I'm trying though.
I don't think we as a society really think about that (or I probably didn't when I wasn't this person).. but it can be just as awkward for the person that went through the tragedy to know what to say to people.. To know how to respond.. etc as it is for the outside person who wants to say hi, wants to check on me, wants to see how I'm doing..etc.. Now I can't speak for everyone but I know that is true for myself.
I try to not make other people uncomfortable with my answers (I try..). Sometimes I'm too sad to try though. When people ask how I'm doing.. Do they really want to know or are they just making conversation? Saying I'm ok is the easiest answer but I usually say.. well not really but I'm hanging on. There needs to be another answer besides "okay".. ;) You can ask.. it's nice of you but I'm not okay & I may not be for awhile but thanks for checking. Sorry in advance if I'm having a rough day though & you really hear how I'm doing. ;)
For me- I like when people check on me (whether it be a call, text, email, etc.), if you don't know what to say then just say hi- sorry for your loss (breaks the ice & the awkwardness is gone), & approaching me is better than avoiding me.
Also, when someone first loses a precious loved one- everyone gathers around, checks on you (email, texts, calls..etc), sends cards to say they are thinking of you & then everything stops abruptly.. You are kind of alone with your grief while the world around you continues when you almost feel like your world stands still.. that can be hard. You almost wish it was spread out so it didn't hit so heavy & end so quick & alone (if that makes sense).
Lastly, during the holidays say an extra prayer for those having a hard time in their life because the holidays are hard. For me, I'm less one child for Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas & then the New Year starts without Lily so it's going to be hard.
If I cry.. you didn't make me cry- I'm just trying hard to hold it together & it doesn't take much for me to not stay strong. Sometimes the nicest gestures or comments break my moment of strength & make me cry but that's okay.. I'm going to cry.. Please don't be uncomfortable & I'll try to not be uncomfortable ;)
***I think this would apply to not only when someone loses someone but also if someone is sick, if their loved one is sick, if other big things (scary, crazy, sad, etc..) happen in someone's life.. This post is for so many of us..
**Please know that when I open up my heart & put it to writing.. I do it not just for myself but to hopefully reach someone else. I'm hoping that someone else will understand or relate, that it speaks to how someone else is feeling but maybe they've just never said it themselves, or that it can help other people understand us more.. understand what goes on in my mind & maybe yours too.. I write to hopefully help us all..
**I posted this on Facebook and a very nice person responded with this:
I can only offer the perspective as a friend of someone who has suffered a loss. A close friend of mine lost her son to what they believed was SIDS in 2008. At the funeral, I just stood there, praying she wouldn't notice me.
But then, she glanced over her shoulder, just barely, and her gaze met mine. She immediately started crying and mouthed the worlds "thank you" We hugged awkwardly. She asked if I wanted to see him.
What I WANTED to do was run back to the car, drive home, grab my own baby, and go back to pretending that babies did not die. But, I heard myself say "Yes," and she led me up to the front. I tried to conjure up something inspirational or meaningful to say the whole way. We finally made it to the casket, and I said the only words that seemed fitting: "he's beautiful." She smiled back at me and said "thank you. I think so too." And then it was just us, and she was just my friend, and she was just a mommy who was proud of her son, and me just being there was enough.
So, I guess my point is: Just be there.
And to you... I think of Lily Grace often. I wanted to let you know that. I have seen you say several times that you don't know why people think you are strong, but you are. I have seen what happens when parents aren't so strong. You are taking your own tragedy and using it to brighten the lives of other children. You're still here, still breathing, and still spreading love, when you could so easily be spreading bitterness and hate. That makes you strong, even if you fall apart the whole way.
My prayers go out to you and your family.
So what she wanted me to say... is... Just be there. It will be enough.
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***So this was my response: Thank you Erin for that beautiful post.
I can only imagine how hard it was for people to attend Lily's visitation & funeral. I choose to have an open casket & I honestly wasn't thinking about whether it would make other people uncomfortable. The most important thing to me was that this was the last time that we could spend with Lily's physical body.. that's what mattered. It meant the world to me that they were able to make Lily look good enough to have an open casket & they worked so hard to do that for us.
She didn't look exactly like Lily anymore but that didn't matter.. This was the last time that I could look at & touch my baby.. you can only imagine how hard it was to know that they were going to put that lid on Lily's casket.. she would be forever closed in that.. Too hard. It was hard enough walking away from Lily after she passed away at Kosair and here I got to see her physical body one last time..and walk away from her again without taking her home.
So I know that simply coming to the funeral had to be hard for people and then to see an open casket was way harder but they did it.. they came & that's what mattered. Not what they said.. just being there mattered.
Nothing was going to bring Lily back so words weren't going to ease anything.. just showing up, saying you’re sorry, and being there.. that mattered. For those that couldn't come because of work..just sending me a message to say you couldn't come mattered.. avoiding me & her death all together.. that was hard for me.
Even if it was too hard for people to walk up front to see Lily..that's okay- I understood.. you were there though. I appreciate that support so much.
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