Grey's Anatomy.... who would have thought.. :(

Emotional breakdown for the day.. (well I'll share one of them) :).. I am home sick with bronchitis so I actually was able to watch two of my shows on DVR.  So I watched Grey's Anatomy.. kind of a big mistake.  The season opening episode started with one of the Dr's being quizzed about what high lactic acid levels could mean.. there went the tears.. the flood gates... whew.

For those that don't know, Lily had high lactic acid levels from the very beginning, especially after her open heart surgery (her levels were SO high even when other numbers were not so bad.. it was really confusing).  This is one of the big reasons (or from the way I understood it) that Lily ended up being on the ECMO machine (which was her big life support machine).  For awhile they did hourly lactic acid levels and we were on edge until we knew if the numbers were getting better.. higher.. lower.. staying down..etc.  Those poor (wonderful nurses).. whenever the phone would ring we would all stop and stare at them until we knew that number.  Then based on the result we would cheer.. or cry.. or just carry on like we were.. it was an hourly roller coaster.  I would even try to stay up through the night to report numbers to my family members and friends..  

So that started the tears initially and then one of the main characters had to be removed from life support.. so I watched them turn the machines off and they just had to watch him pass away.. there was nothing they could do.  They showed other cast members watching the numbers on the monitor as they eventually went lower and lower until he passed away.

I am blessed that the doctors and nurses turned those monitors off in Lily's room yet kept them on at the nurses station.. you see.. we were able to just focus on Lily instead of being fixated on watching her heart rhythm, numbers, etc.. as they lowered.. instead I just watched her.. watched her with her eyes open.. watch her gasp as she took her last breaths.. watch her eyes closed when she officially passed away.. then the Dr came in and turned her ventilator (or pacemaker off... don't remember which one).. then a few minutes later she came and told us that the reason she did that was because Lily became an angel.. whew..

So here I am.. at home sick this morning.. watching Grey's Anatomy.. and I felt like I was reliving those moments when Lily was alive.. and when she passed away in my arms.  I just miss Lily so much.  I would trade anything to have Lily back with us.. Love you baby girl.. Hugs and kisses forever..