Sarah's Corner: When a Child Loses their sibling..perspective from Lily's older sister Sarah (17 now/ 16 when her sister Lily became an angel): Last year during winter break my family and I went to Disney World. I love Disney World, and I was really looking forward to the trip. When we got to the hotel room Amy said she had something to tell my siblings and I; she told us she wouldn't be able to ride very many rides with us because she's pregnant.
I wish I could tell you that hearing this news made be happy to have another brother or sister, but really I was a little upset. Most people at school don't have siblings 16 years younger than them. Plus, I already had enough siblings, I didn't need another one. Looking back now, I feel extremely guilty for those thoughts. I should have been happy to have a little brother or sister, and I shouldn't have been so selfish.
When Amy told us that the baby would be a girl, she also told us that she was very sick and would have to have open heart surgery. I was very optimistic leading up to Lily's birth. The possibility of her not making it never crossed my mind.
I spent the entire night at the hospital leading up to Lily's birth. Although, I wasn't initially happy about having a little sister, I was getting excited and couldn't wait for her to be born.
When she was 5 days old Lily had to have open heart surgery. I went to the hospital and waited with the rest of my family. I was still feeling very optimistic.
One day my dad came home from the hospital and told me about how Lily had to have chest compressions, and the doctors said there was a 50/50 chance of her making it. This was the first time I let myself think about the chance of her not making it. After that I was too scared to ask how she was doing because I didn't want to hear bad news.
After school had started, my little siblings and I went to the hospital to see Lily. I thought this was just a normal trip to see her. Amy told me there was a counselor who was going to talk to us, but I just thought it was to see how we were dealing with everything. I started hearing bits of people's conversation about how there was nothing else the doctors could do, but I wouldn't let myself believe what I was hearing.
Later my family and I were gathered in a small waiting room that we had made our own while Lily was in the PICU. The counselor started by saying something about how sometimes kids are sick and doctors have to fix them. "Sometimes there's nothing the doctors can do," when she said this it all sunk in. I didn't want to cry in front of everybody, but there was no way to hold it in. The doctors did everything they could, but Lily wasn't going to make it.
They told me they were going to turn off the machines that were keeping Lily alive... in two days. I planned on going to school the next day because I thought it would be best to take my mind off of what was going on, but when I woke up that morning Amy was already up getting ready to go to the hospital. She told me I wasn't going to school and that Lily was going to be taken of the machines a day earlier than expected.. so she was going to be gone that day...
That day is mostly a blur. I remember standing in the small PICU room with about 30 of my family members, as the doctors turned the machines off and placed Lily in Amy's arms. Then she passed away. I felt very numb.
Later, Amy gave Lily a bath with a wash rag. One of the nurses asked if I wanted to help and I did. I helped give baths to all my other little siblings, and it felt wrong that I would never be able to do that with Lily so I helped clean her body.
When we left the hospital that day, I sat in the backseat as Amy cried. I felt very helpless. There was nothing I could do to make anything better and I had no idea what to say.
During the next few days I helped shop with family to get the kids clothes for the funeral, and I went to funeral homes and cemeteries as Amy and my dad tried to pick a place for Lily. I wanted to feel like I was doing something to help.
The day after the funeral, I had to go back to school. I had no desire to return to school. I didn't want to deal with people asking me where I had been because I wouldn't be able to answer them. My motivation to do work was gone. I really didn't want to go back, but I had to.
It's been almost 5 months now since Lily has passed. I get sad whenever I think of all the things she won't be here for. I'll be graduating high school soon, and she won't be there. I used to imagine her being the flower girl at my wedding, but that won't happen either.
I know Lily was here for a reason. She brought people together. People do good things in her name. Lily has changed my life and made me realize there are much bigger things in the world than just me.
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