Why do you think it is so hard for our society to talk about death or the grieving process? When a tragedy happens everyone talks.. not necessarily to the families..but everyone talks. Then afterwards.. people don't really talk about it or people just don't know what to say, etc.
What goes through your minds when a tragedy occurs with someone you know- say they lose a child, spouse, parent, etc? What about at the funeral and then shortly after the funeral.. then what goes through your mind (when you are both around the person and not around the person- do you avoid them- calls and in person or do you not avoid them but avoid the topic.. how do you feel about it)??
Just curious.. I just don't think society knows how to handle grieving or at least they don't know how to talk about it... does that make sense? Curious to what you all think or even if you want to share experiences that you all have had (maybe it was your own personal tragedy or maybe it was someone else's tragedy.. so you looking in..) Hmmmm.....
Here are a few of the responses to this post:
From sweet Michelle: Well you proved a point with this post I tried to come up with words and could not. For me I know there is nothing I can say to take any bit of pain away all you can do is be there for a grieving friend or family member. Sometimes words that are meant to help hurt more then just listening.
Me: Yes..see. Almost 200 people have looked at this post.. it is hard. Yes each person grieves differently but I am talking more about how people outside of the situation handle a tragedy.. You've heard of six degrees of separation (or I think that is what it is called).. so the first degree to me is the person directly effected- a parent, child, sibling, spouse, etc.. then layers of the family.. friends.. co-workers.. acquaintances.. this post is really meant for llike those 2 degrees of separation from the situation or further.. it seems that the people directly impacted would have the hardest time but yet.. the people a little further from the tragedy have a harder time talking about it where the person directly involved is sometimes more open or wants to hear their name or wants to talk about where other people.. don't know how to deal with it.. does that make sense?
From sweet Toni: I hate that no one even talks about my husband in front of me. I guess they think it will upset me to much. I totally understand what you are saying.
From sweet Erin: Well... when my friend lost her son, it was sort of surreal at first. I hadn't seen her in over a year, so it was easy to detach myself for the first few days after I found out. At first I denied that it could have actually happened to someone we knew. We decided to go to the funeral (my sister and I). When we got there and I saw her and I saw the casket open, I wanted to turn back and leave. That was when it kind of hit me that a baby really had died. My daughter's name is Katie, and she was six months old at the time. I just kept thinking..."that was her Katie...and he's gone. She lost her baby. How could I lose Katie? How did this happen?" I think we all like to live in our bubbles. When we watch the news and something bad happens, it's easy to compartmentalize it into a box labeled "stuff that happens to people far away from me." Then when it happens to somebody you know, shit suddenly gets real. You have to face the concept that life really is that uncertain. If it could happen to her, then what made me any more special? It's sort of like watching your worst nightmare unfold. Not in the same way as the person it's happening to obviously. Never to that extent. But it's still a sudden bursting of a bubble. Your head has to come out of the sand. And that is something people have a hard time dealing with. My first reaction was to leave. I wanted to keep pretending. I like to think I didn't do that, but it seemed inappropriate to ask if I was "there enough." But I think that is where the avoidance comes from. It's because we want to keep pretending that stuff like babies dying doesn't really happen. If we keep coming around, it reminds us that it could easily happen to any one of us, and that's something we'd all rather not face. Is that fair to the people who have no choice? No. But that is where I think the avoidance comes from.
From sweet Nicole: I can't handle grief at all..I'm not ashamed to admit it either. The closest person I've lost is my great great grandmother..two years ago. I couldn't go to her funeral because I couldn't handle it.. I still cry when I see her pictures, someone mentions her etc. I cannot imagine losing my spouse or child. I'm afraid it would be the end of me. No, I know it would be. I admire the strength of the people who deal with such tragedies and survive.
From sweet Trisha: Sadly enough grief is too taboo. Unfortunately people are curious in the begining, everyone wants to know what happened, why, how, and when. However when they are faced with being confronted by someones grief they would rather just avoid the situation. For us parents, it doesnt go away. We carry our grief daily. We learned to live with those who dont know what to say, turn their cheeks or completely avoid us. We cope, we cry, but we learn. I cry tears for other parents who have to experience what I have experienced. Society is harsh... unfortunately.
From sweet Jessica: I understand completely and just posted on my Facebook about this the other night. I think people feel that if they talk of Khloe it will remind me she is dead. I know she is gone. I live and feel that every second of everyday. I feel it is my responsibility to raise awareness to my grief and let others know that it is a gift when they talk about her. Remind she is remembered and special. I think people avoid death because they are compassionate and care for us and don't want to hurt us. At least I hope that is it and not that they are self absorbed and uncaring. All I can do is say her name, let others know I want to hear her name, and expect nothing. Grief can be such a lonely place...
Me: I guess I'm talking more about people in your own life though... We have all probably known of someone that we grew up with, work with, went to school with, or have some connection too.... even friends with someone that's gone through a big tragedy..
I was probably that person too.. When I would hear of a tragedy like someone losing a child.. I would become emotional for that person but it was almost too hard to confront it head on.. Like I probably only thought about big tragedies to a certain point because it was too hard to face.. Because what if it was my family.. It was almost too hard to think about..
Now I'm that person.. Now I know that it is important to speak about the person that passed.. They were real., they were here and even though it is easier to not talk about the person that passed or the tragedy surrounding it (meaning the person looking from the outside and not the person directly effected).... Because it is emotionally hard as an outsider (outsider doesnt mean stranger.. again- just anyone not immediately effected like the parent, spouse, etc).. I now now that it is way more important to speak about the person no longer here because that shows that they were not forgotten (where as avoiding can almost seem like our loved one is forgotten)..
It may not seem that way to the person on the outside because they may do it because they think that's the right thing to do.. but as a whole.. I think society needs some tweaking on how people respond to others that have been through a tragedy..
Not to be rude either but honestly.. Some people avoid because they think they are doing the right thing while others avoid because it's too hard for them to deal with (too hard because "what if" it was their family & that reality is scary)... and that second reason.. Is selfish.. If you think it's hard for you.. Just imagine what the person most effected is going through..
By the way.. I'm not saying this about any one person.. I've talked with other people who have lost people and I think things could be better in our society.. I hope this makes sense
Me again: It's when people don't call or avoid you when you are going through one if the toughest things in your life.. That's hard. If someone said.. Amy- it's just too hard for me to deal with.. That's better than acting like nothing ever happened or acting like I didn't lose a child & that life is normal..
I had some very brave people come to Lily's funeral- people who were pregnant or recently had babies.. I know that was hard on them but they came and they were there for me. That meant a lot.
Then some people avoided me around Lily's death & funeral.. That was hard. A lot of people could not come to her funeral because of work or commitments.. I understand that.. But not being there and no contact or no attempt to be there.. That's hard..
People being there for me during this tough time in my life means more to me than they will ever know.. I will never forget and I would do the same for them
I had some very brave people come to Lily's funeral- people who were pregnant or recently had babies.. I know that was hard on them but they came and they were there for me. That meant a lot.
Then some people avoided me around Lily's death & funeral.. That was hard. A lot of people could not come to her funeral because of work or commitments.. I understand that.. But not being there and no contact or no attempt to be there.. That's hard..
People being there for me during this tough time in my life means more to me than they will ever know.. I will never forget and I would do the same for them
The rest is in Facebook... :)
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