Friday, March 1, 2013

Half of a year has passed without you sweet Lily..

Written after midnight..early morning Thursday, February 28th on Lily's Facebook page "Never Forget Lily Grace":   

Sweet Lily Grace.. Mommy's heart is forever broken because in about 24 hours you left me... us.. our family.. six months ago. 

Half of a year has passed.. Life is not fair.. I wonder sometimes what I have done to deserve this.. 

Life has not been fair to me for a few years really but more so within the last 15 months..

Your Dads best friend unexpectedly passed away 3 years ago in January 2010.

I got pregnant after having a Mirena IUD for four years (it was in the right place and it was like being struck by lighting my doctors said..) and I lost that baby shortly after they removed the IUD and then had to have surgery for Ovarian Cysts that I never had before that pregnancy... that was August 2010

A really sweet woman.. my Grandma Ruth Pifer suddenly got brain tumors and passed away around Christmas 2012 (I was able to tell her about how I was pregnant with you before she passed away).

Family things that I won't discuss on here but for the good and the bad.. things have changed and my heart is broken..

I started college for my Master's and that started the day after your Dad's best friend passed away.. it seems like things have went down hill from there really..

then my sweet Lily.. you.. I found out that I was pregnant with you on December 9, 2012.. that you were a baby girl with a sick, sick heart on March 30, 2012.. then amnio tests, genetic tests, appointment after appointment, diagnosis change after diagnosis change (not for your heart but for your chromosome conditions), told low survival rates then they became high.. then low.. then high.. I had to prepare myself for the worse and hope for the best.. I prayed and hoped for the best.. but things haven't been working in my favor for awhile now...

My sweet Lily Grace you were born on August 11, 2012 and sadly.. you left me when I was holding you on August 29, 2012.. you left me 6 months ago this week..

Can you please send some good luck my way.. some less stress.. and please tell God that I have always heard that he will not give me more than I can handle.. I don't think I can handle any more.. like zero.. please let him know.

When you were in the hospital and you crashed twice in front of my eyes.. I said to God "If this is a test.. please.. I fail.. no more tests please.."...

Your dog Jasmine (one of our pugs) got really, really sick and almost died while you were in the hospital, right after you crashed the first time. The doggy doctor didn't know if she would make it but she has.. She is still on a lot of medicine and we are grateful that was able to stay here with us... you would have loved Jasmine and she would have loved you..

Now your Daddy's taxes are being reviewed and who knows.. audited.. who knows.. there are other things going on in our family that I can't discuss on here either.. I just don't think my heart can handle one more thing..

We are selling our house now and moving sometime this March. We put our house up for sale last year because we needed a bigger house because we were having you!! Then within two weeks of listing our house, we found out you were sick, your heart was sick! The house inspection on our current house went great but I don't know how well everything is working at our new house.. Regardless we are moving out of this house because it is really sold.. I just wanted to move on to the next chapter in our life.. to plant a memorial area for you and make a beautiful memorial inside our new house for you..maybe even a hairbow/ craft area so I can make many more hairbows for the sweet babies at the hospital.. I just wanted this house stuff to go smooth but it is not... ugh.. We are 2 weeks in to a 45 day closing window and I need this to work out because we have to move out of this house now.. no matter what.. what are we going to do if things don't work out for this new house??...ugh..

You being born was such a blessing and I am so glad to have met you, had you, spent time with you, and loved on you... I just need time to grieve with no more things happening in our life right now..

You and your siblings have given me the best days in my life.. you gave me the best 18 days plus the time you grew safely in my belly.. I used to beg you to come back to me but I know that can't happen... I will love you forever and always and I have worked hard to make sure people won't forget you or your friends in heaven... Please heal my heart.. it is forever shattered...

P.S. Oh and Lily.. Tell Walt Disney in heaven to send some Disney magic my way.. some good luck.. some happy days.. :) I always wanted to take you to Disney World which you kind of went because I was about 6 weeks pregnant with you on our last trip.. now you have probably met Walt Disney himself.. ♥ say hi for me.. and please talk to God for me ♥

I love you sweet angel...

Mommy ♥

"I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My baby you'll be."

One more you remember this song that I sang to you:

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