Posted Monday night (February 18th) on Lily's Facebook page "Never Forget Lily Grace"
The Notebook.. Within probably 24 hours of finding out that our baby girls heart was sick.. I went and bought a big notebook with pockets and dividers so I could keep all of her doctor appointments, ultrasound pictures, and all important information in one place..easy to find, easy to use, and everything in one place..
I even bought heart stickers to decorate "the notebook".. I haven't looked at "the notebook" which is in a big "Sisters by Heart" bag (given to me by other HLHS Moms) in a few months probably.. It's too hard..
Ricky was cleaning out our closet & pulled out some things for me to go through.. like the "Sisters by Heart bag", purses that I used during & after my pregnancy that were not cleaned out (which contained stuff about Lily)...and then he pulled out a black shirt and said what's this.... "it's the shirt I wore when I last held Lily.. when she passed away".. he quickly folded it up & put it back in the closet..
We grieve differently.. very differently. He didn't mean to upset me... he didn't realize what was in the purses, the "Sisters by Heart" bag, and what he was unfolding when he pulled out that black shirt.. I was already stressed out tonight.. this made it way worse..He just wanted to know why I hadn't cleaned out some of those things..
Here's why: I couldn't face them.. it's too hard.. It was easier to avoid those things for as long as I could.. I knew where everything was.. I wish I still didn't see them.. it's too hard..
I started to flip through "the notebook".. you can see my struggle in the notebook too.. the uncertainty of whether our daughter would live or not.. the back and forth diagnoses for her chromosomes... then everything she would go through after birth.. then good Dr appointment after good appointment..
Then more hope.. higher survival rates..but that's not how her story ended.. I just didn't want to see things like "the notebook", dr appointment cards in my purses, the black shirt... I really wish I hadn't seen it.. ;(
I even bought heart stickers to decorate "the notebook".. I haven't looked at "the notebook" which is in a big "Sisters by Heart" bag (given to me by other HLHS Moms) in a few months probably.. It's too hard..
Ricky was cleaning out our closet & pulled out some things for me to go through.. like the "Sisters by Heart bag", purses that I used during & after my pregnancy that were not cleaned out (which contained stuff about Lily)...and then he pulled out a black shirt and said what's this.... "it's the shirt I wore when I last held Lily.. when she passed away".. he quickly folded it up & put it back in the closet..
We grieve differently.. very differently. He didn't mean to upset me... he didn't realize what was in the purses, the "Sisters by Heart" bag, and what he was unfolding when he pulled out that black shirt.. I was already stressed out tonight.. this made it way worse..He just wanted to know why I hadn't cleaned out some of those things..
Here's why: I couldn't face them.. it's too hard.. It was easier to avoid those things for as long as I could.. I knew where everything was.. I wish I still didn't see them.. it's too hard..
I started to flip through "the notebook".. you can see my struggle in the notebook too.. the uncertainty of whether our daughter would live or not.. the back and forth diagnoses for her chromosomes... then everything she would go through after birth.. then good Dr appointment after good appointment..
Then more hope.. higher survival rates..but that's not how her story ended.. I just didn't want to see things like "the notebook", dr appointment cards in my purses, the black shirt... I really wish I hadn't seen it.. ;(
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