Question 1: Is your grief stronger or different throughout the day, at certain times of the day, or certain days of the week?
Answer: Unpredictable.. I think the grief that a grieving parent feels is very unpredictable.
When I first lost Lily yes.. Wednesdays at 3:30 pm represented exactly when I lost Lily. Tuesdays represented her funeral. Each day had a different meaning to me. In the beginning I knew how many hours, days, weeks, etc that she passed away.
I still know but it is different. I think dates are more predictable for me rather than days of the week or even times. I think dates always will be hard and that will never change (or it will always represent her or her loss to me).
The 11th represents good because it was the day she was born. The 29th is very sad because that is the day she became an angel. The number 18 represents the number of days that my angel lived. She had her surgery at 5 days old too (on a Wednesday- same day that she passed away). The 4th represents the day of her funeral. I could probably find a date, day of the week, time, etc. for many things if I really sat down and thought about it but why do that.. it would just make things harder on me.
I don't need help thinking about those hard dates and her loss.. Her loss is embeded in me.. I'll describe it this way.. Lily and my kids are always on my mind, I just don't talk about it all of the time. People bringing up Lily or my loss doesn't make me sad, I'm already sad. I may cry, I may not cry.. it just depends how strong I am at that moment. Not even strong.. but how well I can hold myself together at that moment.
Her loss is always on the surface but sometimes it's on top and I am extra emotional, sometimes it is about one layer deep and it's there.. still very raw but there.. doesn't take much to bring it back up to that extra emotional surface.. sometimes I can do other things to distract myself and not think about what happened as much.. it's always there though.
I like when people talk about Lily, remember Lily.. but sometimes I may say.. can we talk about something else or I will just change the subject because it can be too much for me.. the pain can be unbearable..
The pain is still very bad but in the beginning it is so raw- your heart actually physically hurts. I would cry so much that I would gag and thought I would throw up. I cried almost nonstop. I still have those moments but I can control it a little better. I am just as sad but it's just different but no mistaking that I am still hurting almost as badly. Maybe people say it's different as time passes.. not because it is easier but rather because in the beginning it is so raw..so new that you have to learn how to live this new life that you were given.. and now you have had several months to realize that it is real.. there is nothing that can be done..
So the best answer is that it is unpredictable.. very unpredictable. I know how many months but I don't want someone counting exact times for me because that is painful.. I know..trust me.. I KNOW and I will never forget.. I don't need someone to tell me. The most painful time are dates that have significant meaning.. her monthly birthdays, her monthly angelversary dates, and other significant dates (like one year from when the doctor asked if I wanted to terminate my pregnancy, one year from when she received her heart diagnosis, etc.. those dates.. that was hard).
Mother's Day will be hard.. holidays are hard.. it's hard.. it's all just hard but again.. other days.. unpredictable. In the beginning I had to take it second by second.. then minute by minute.. then hour by hour.. and eventually day by day.. any trigger can make my pain resurface in one second.. it's just unpredictable. Thanks for asking ♥
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