"Do you want to terminate your pregnancy?"

I posted this today.. 4/19/13 around 8:30 pm...

"Do you want to terminate your pregnancy?"

One year ago today, the results on Lily's chromosome testing from my amniocentesis came in. Do you know why I remember?

One year ago today our son Blake turned 7. We came home from taking him out to eat and we were about to gather around the table to sing happy birthday but I had a missed call on our home phone from my high risk maternity doctor. There was a missed call with a voicemail that included my doctors phone number. That is never good...

So I asked everyone to wait and I went in my bedroom to call the doctor. The results that everyone thought would come back negative instead showed something... something that the doctors thought wouldn't be a problem. He told me that they don't know exactly what it is but it looked like our daughter had a "mosaic" chromosome condition. (means partial/ not full). They don't know how it could effect her. She could be mild to moderately mentally/ physically impaired. They didn't know though as her results weren't clear.

There was something wrong beyond the heart but that is all they could officially tell me. Nothing else showed on her ultrasounds (it never did.. just her heart). She may even have Mosaic Down Syndrome or it could be something rare. They will continue to test the chromosomes for clear answers..then he said...

"We are running out of time though... did we talk about it? Do you want to terminate? If you want to terminate then we need to hurry because the state will only let you terminate until you are XX number of weeks and you are getting close to that....."

My response was "NO!!! NO!!! NO!!! I can't!! I can't!! NO!! NO!!..." Something VERY emotional like that. The doctor said "okay, okay..that's fine. I just needed to talk to you about it"...

I was already sad and then we went to Target..got sadder there because we passed the baby clothes section..

then I got sadder.. passed the toys with a doll on the endcap called "Lily"...

so I got sadder... then at the checkout there were two babies near me around the age that Lily should be..so I got even sadder..

then I got even sadder when I realized that today... my son's 8th birthday also means that one year ago today.. the doctor wanted to know if I wanted to end my babies life.. this babies life.. my Lily Grace in this picture...

No I didn't.. I wanted to give her a chance.. I wanted to let her fight.. I wanted to fight for her.. we wanted to fight for her and we did.. we all did. Oh how I wish you were here sweet girl... :(

Lily Grace 8/11/12 - 8/29/12 ♥