Sunday, October 21, 2012

Jacket for Lily... :(

I posted this on Friday, October 19th on Lily's Facebook page "Never Forget Lily Grace":  

Topic: JACKET- I went to visit Lily earlier today and it continues to break my heart that Lily had no babies to the right of her but from this Monday thru tomorrow.. 3 new babies will be buried next to her. As I stood there to visit, I got really cold and my immediate thought was that "Lily needs a jacket.. I don't want her to get cold too". Then reality slaps you in the face.. She doesn't reall
y need a jacket.

There was still a part of me that wanted to get her a jacket though. What would I do with it though? I don't know- dig a hole & put it in the ground, put it on her scare crow at her burial spot, take the jacket home & put on her bear?!? I don't know. I KNOW that's irrational but my motherly instinct is that I don't want her cold. As crazy as the thought of her needing a jacket sounds., it doesn't feel irrational.

The day Lily became an angel is so clear to me still. Everything was hard but one of the things that was really unbelievably hard was walking out of the hospital that day without Lily & knowing that I was NEVER coming back to Kosair to see or get her again was heart wrenching.

Imagine the thought of knowing your child (or any child) is right there and your instinct is to protect them & not leave them alone & you have to walk out that first door to leave her, then the elevator, then the next set of doors to exit the hospital all while your child is physically right there.. Then you have to get on an elevator full of people to get in your vehicle while you get driven home.. But your child is left behind. That was pure evil and torture. So many moments that day just tore my heart out over and over. I clearly remember going down floor by floor in the garage and I just cried and cried while holding Lily's sea horse. I asked Ricky to stop because I wanted to jump out and run to Lily & get her. I just kept feeling like I was abandoning her almost..

Again just like jacket- I know that may sound irrational but living or not.. As a mother you have the same instinct to care for, protect, shelter, keep them warm, and make sure they are cared for.. Forever.. I know that God is protecting our baby but those feelings of being her Mom will never go away..

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