Argh!!!... Today.... :(

I'm having a really hard day.  I started my day by reading my babies death certificate for the first time and I got a stressful letter in the mail about medical bills when I got home.  I mentioned previously that I feel like an egg sometimes.. hard on the outside but very fragile on the inside.. I feel like I am about to crack for sure.  We can hold it together for so long and then we break down.. we hold it together again until our next break down or even mini break downs in between.

I just feel like enough is enough.. like if this is a test then I failed.. God please move on.  One person can only handle so much and this person can handle no more..  People say I am strong but I am not sure why.  For me.. there was and is no different choice.  Knowing that Lily was very sick but had a chance to survive meant that I needed to fight for her and let her live as long as God was willing to let her live.  Having her for the 38 weeks and 4 days pregnant plus the precious 18 days that she was here on earth is worth any amount of pain that I feel now.

It sucks.. I'm sad.. I'm hurting.. I just miss her so bad but I would still go through this just to have her in my life.. to love on her, kiss her, sing to her, talk to her, help her.. she is and was worth it.. all my kids are.  Please pray that my test is over and that good luck will start happening.  I am very blessed for all of my children, family, friends and so much more but enough is enough.  No one here on earth can make me better.. I know that she is in a better place, that she is with people who love her, that she is my angel, that God is watching over me.. (don't take this the wrong way) but.. that doesn't always make me or anyone else feel better when they lose someone.  Sometimes it gives me peace but sometimes I'm selfish and I want her here with me.. I want to hold her.. I don't want her as my angel in heaven but rather my angel here on earth.. but that is not my choice.  I finally said that out loud recently and they didn't judge me so I wanted to share that here.. please don't take that the wrong way.. it is just how I and many others feel.. Please don't feel that you can't say that to me because it is sweet and truthful.. but we just hurt so bad that so much doesn't make us feel better..