Lily was actually a part of me.. she can't be forgotten.. I can't move on from her..

Post on Lily's Facebook page from July 24th:
Does society ever ask or wonder if a person is over the loss of their spouse or parent yet? Or if they've bounced back from losing their spouse or parent??? I don't think so or not from what I've ever seen.. 

Does society ever wonder that about a parent that loses their child? People say "losing a child is the ultimate loss" yet their words or actions speak the opposite of that when judging how quickly a parent should be over their loss or even how a grieving parent grieves..

Just for the record.. I'm doing ok... I'm just expressing myself on behalf of so many misunderstood grieving parents..

Sometimes people think that when a person expresses their grief that they are "stuck" like that all day and night.. That is a total misperception..

Expressing yourself allows a release so you can move forward or function like everyone else..

Our grief or grieving process doesn't define how we are living but rather it's a part of the journey that we are on because we suffered a big loss.. A loss that we will NEVER "get over" or "bounce back" from..

It's quite ridiculous to think that a parent will get over the loss of their child.. you wouldn't expect a child to get over losing their parent or a spouse to get over a husband or wife that passed away..

Whether you created your child or adopted your child.. your child was interwoven into your life FOREVER... they will never disappear...

Grieving parents learn to "adjust" to a new life without their child.. they won't bounce back or move on.. They just learn new ways of living & to expect anything different is crazy..

We are not crazy... we are in a learning process.. I hope you never understand our journey & always remember to not judge others when you have not walked a mile in their shoes..

You can speculate and make assumptions but that doesn't make you more knowledgable about our situation.. it's just a guess.. that's all 

Then on July 26th I shared this: 
I can't believe Lily would be celebrating her first birthday two weeks from this Sunday... August 11, 2012 was the day she was born... a beautiful day that I wouldn't trade for anything...

The time that I got with her.. the 9 months for my pregnancy and the 18 days that she graced us here on earth after she was born.. she was worth any pain or sadness that I have experienced or continue to feel...

She is missed beyond words.. FLY sweet girl.. ♥

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-qVdFl64gt0

Dusty pictures...

July 22nd I posted this on Lily's Facebook page: 
Dusty pictures... 

This may not make any sense to some of you and sadly.. perfect sense to others.. 

We've been sanding walls and this has made the house dustier than normal.. it makes sense that pictures would get dusty, right?? 

BUT.. I've never seen my angel daughter Lily Grace's pictures dusty until this past weekend..

When all you have left are pictures and other material things after the loss of your child (and I'm assuming a spouse, parent, etc..) something as simple as their items getting dusty can be a real trigger to a grieving person..

Why.. to think that pictures are the closest thing you have to seeing them and for dust to form on the items (from sanding or just time) is heart breaking.. It's just another reminder of how much time has passed since they left this world..

In one week from today our daughter Lily Grace will be gone for 11 months.. enough time for dust to start settling on her stuff.. What a sad reality.. 


Then I will share a few more pictures that I put on Lily's page:

I can tell you that losing a child is 100 million times worse than you can dream or imagine that it would feel like... 

I know... for 20 weeks prior to my daughters birth I had to face the reality that she may not make it so I had to face that... 

I can tell you that I had NO idea how it would really feel or effect me..

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Sweet Lily right after birth..

Posted on Lily's FB page July 19th:
This was the first few minutes of Lily's life... I'd say of her story but her story began way before her birth.. 

She was a beautiful baby with a head full of hair.. and she was a fighter from the first minute..

she fought hard for 18 days after she was born but she was a fighter long before she was born too because she fought to stay alive for the 9 months that she was living in my belly too... ♥ RIP sweet girl.. ♥

Never Forgotten sweet Lily Grace 8/11/12 - 8/29/12

Music and more..

Posted on Lily's FB page on July 17th:
Picture says it all... 

This picture could represent the loss of a child for many reasons..

* custody issues
* kidnapping/ missing child.. 
* child ran away...
*... or your child passed away..

Those absences create obvious voids... again.. this picture says it all 

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Then on July 19th I posted about music (again :)
I've always loved Canon in D.. most commonly played at weddings.. I think it is just an absolutely beautiful song and I think this version is a really unique twist to the song...

This song makes me think of a soothing place.. a soft.. beautiful..safe..soothing place.. maybe the kind of place where Lily and so many other angels play... I can't explain it..

I just felt compelled to share it.. warning that the video is corny but 5 million people have viewed it.. the music is so worth listening to it.. Enjoy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LV5_xj_yuhs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jXC9tuumjiA Another cool version.. more classical and sooo beautiful! It's played on the guitar which I thought was really neat..

Here's another classic that I love.. Ave Maria.. can't get enough of that one too.. here is a very classic version: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aQVz6vuNq7s

 Then I feel compelled to share the real classical version.. I can't get enough of this song.. I can close my eyes and just listen to this over and over.. sweet thoughts.. beautiful memories.. hope.. love.. peace... it is just so soothinghttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hOA-2hl1Vbc

Lanterns for Lily..

Posted on Lily's Facebook page: Never Forget Lily Grace on July 15th: 
Lanterns for Lily 

I've been thinking about releasing balloons and releasing sky lanterns in memory of our Lily... Someone around our neighborhood released some lanterns tonight.. It was so beautiful.. I've never seen them in person before..

Her first birthday would be August 11th and her one year angelversary is August 29th...

I'm going to do both but just not sure on which date.. Maybe balloons during the day and lanterns at night.. Not sure yet but..

Lanterns for Lily has a nice ring to it 

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Then on July 16th I posted:
Why does society stay hush hush on grief and their grieving process..especially in the way they judge a person that is grieving... Hmm..

I feel that if you're open about your grief then people assume you're doing worse than someone who stays quiet about their grief... I find that very interesting because if you really think about it.. how is bottling up your grief better than releasing it??

Any thoughts on this topic? I'd love to hear from you...

Lily Grace hairbow..

Posted on Lily's FB page on July 14th:

No.. This is not my ultrasound but this is an ultrasound of a very special person..

Our Lily had some very special nurses at Kosair Children's Hospital and one of her very special NICU nurses by the name of Jill is now having a baby...

Why am I sharing her ultrasound picture you ask... well she just announced this week that she is having a girl. She announced by sharing this very picture on her FB page.. notice the hairbow?

I gave many of Lily's special nurses a hairbow to thank them for trying so hard to save our sweet girl.. the hairbow in this picture is her Lily Grace hairbow..

Lily and this hairbow must really mean something special to her since she wanted to announce that she was having a girl by including our Lily Grace hairbow and it was so special for me to see this... thank you nurse Jill!!  She was blessed to have Jill and so many other wonderful nurses at Kosair  I'll never forget them.. never!

Sea Horse..

Posted on Lily's FB page on July 13th: 
Sea horse... 

For those that don't know.. my Lily Grace had a toy sea horse by her side at all times (except for her heart surgery).. to play music, light up, and try to soothe her... 

Thank you Lisa Warren for sending me this message! Your Lily Ann is beautiful.. thank you for sharing this:

"My husband I and started following your page about your daughter awhile back. We looked through all your photos and couldn't help but cry. Our daughter, Lily Ann was born Sept 20th and she too loves her seahorse. We cried because we felt so sorry for your loss, so sorry that your Lily had to endure so much in her short life and it really made us appreciate our daughter that much more that she was healthy. I just wanted to share this photo with you because it always reminds me of your daughter when I look at it. I've read all your posts and realize the grieving is far from over, I was just hoping that maybe my Lily could put a smile on your face, even if for a second. Your family is in our thoughts and prayers. God bless." **Yes her baby is doing very well.. she is fine**

I hope it's okay that I shared your message Lisa.. it was too beautiful to not share your message and picture.. thank you for getting to know my Lily and thank you for thinking about us! 

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Interesting.. I just posted about how losing a child is made up of such extreme lows and then highs.. Back & forth.. The smallest thing can be a trigger.. This is a great read ❤ 

This is from the FB page: Silent Grief- Child Loss Support:

"Am I crazy?" is a question almost every parent of child loss asks. Why? Because we've never experienced such a wild, erratic range of emotions before. We feel anxious. We have mood swings. We burst into tears at the most odd times. We feel broken. We are afraid to laugh. We are over protective. And, our minds work constantly -- always thinking about our child. Are we crazy? Absolutely not! This is all quite "normal." When a person goes through the pain of losing a child, the trauma shakes us to our core, and it is a slow, painful walk to get to a place where we feel somewhat leveled out. How do we explain this to others? We shouldn't have to carry the burden of explaining. Common sense tells us that this is a loss that turns our world upside down and inside out and it's going to take a lot of work to walk through the hellish pain of losing a child. God bless every parent who has lost a child with a "special peace and calm" today.