| It is hard to believe that tomorrow, Monday, April 29th will be 8 months from when our sweet Lily Grace became an angel. Time just keeps on going by without her... In honor of Lily's monthly Angelversary I ask everyone to do something nice for someone else on the 29th of the month. So I am asking if you would please participate in the "The Lily Grace Challenge" tomorrow on her angelversary. This is a very hard day for all of us and I try to turn that day of sadness into more of a positive day (as much as possible). Our Lillian "Lily" Grace was such a wonderful, sweet and perfect baby that left our world way too soon at just 18 days old. I held her as she took her last breath and the whole time she kept one eye looking at me.. well she was looking at all of us and to honor her and everyone gone before us.. please do something nice on the 29th or any other day of the month to remember our loved ones gone too soon. So I challenge each and every one of you to participate in the Lily Grace Challenge. Tell your family and friends about it too. I challenge you to do at least one nice thing for someone else and this could be big or small. Just do anything that would help another person- plus you won't expect anything in return and if they want to repay you in any way just tell them that they can repay you by doing something nice for someone else in honor of Lily Grace. Thank you everyone! Please share this with others and ask them to participate. When you are done with her challenge please post "Done Lily"... that way Lily knows you are done. :) This Lily Grace Challenge will help to honor the memory of our precious Lily Grace on such a sad day for everyone touched by Lily Grace. Spread the word... Thanks everyone!  |
Sunday, April 28, 2013
8th Lily Grace Challenge... will you participate tomorrow?
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Did you just say that to a grieving parent???
Did you just say that to a grieving parent?
I have to speak out about something that is bothering me. I am part of a few grieving parents groups and one consistent thing that I keep seeing are certain comments that are being said to grieving parents. For example:
1. Are you over it yet?
2. Why aren't you over it yet?
3. You just haven't bounced back yet..
4. You're not the same..
The comments can get even worse- these are for pregnant grieving parents or parents with other kids:
1. You should be thankful for the kids you still have
2. You need to stop being sad and focus on the new baby you're about to have
3. You have a new baby that you need to think about now instead of thinking about the past
4. At least you have other kids...
5. You're young.. You can have more..
6. You have a new child to worry about now
There's a difference between people not knowing what to say and trying to be nice VS. saying insensitive, unkind things that should never come out of a persons mouth (like the comments above).
Why say the above things to anyone? When I had to face the reality that I could lose my child, I had to face what it could be like and I can tell you know... actually losing a child is a million times worst than anything you think it would feel like. I hope you never feel that..
It's easy to sit back and judge others or make assumptions when you haven't experienced such a loss but how dare anyone make those comments.
Think about someone that you love more than anything else and if that person was taken from your life in the blink of an eye.. would it be easy to replace them or could they ever truly be replaced? Can you replace a mother or father that passes? No! Would you say the above comments to someone who lost their parent- no! So a person that we make, grows inside our body (or adoption too).. a piece of us.. Is taken away and you think the above comments are acceptable?
We may never be the same! We will never "get over it"! NOTHING will replace a child that we've lost- NOTHING! You don't replace person A with person B.. Some people never get over a past relationship in their life but parents should get over a child that leaves their world.. empty arms, heart shattered, void in their life..
People should instead find ways to include an angel child, talk about them, and realize that just because they are not in our physical world doesn't mean they are gone from our lives! That's ridiculous!
They will always be a part of us so.. accept it, be patient, be kind, or move on.. If our pain bothers your life.. then you should move on.. please don't ever say the above comments to me.. I defend parents anytime I see or hear stuff like this.. Pointless, senseless, unkind words like this that never should be spoken, much less thought.. ❤
I have to speak out about something that is bothering me. I am part of a few grieving parents groups and one consistent thing that I keep seeing are certain comments that are being said to grieving parents. For example:
1. Are you over it yet?
2. Why aren't you over it yet?
3. You just haven't bounced back yet..
4. You're not the same..
The comments can get even worse- these are for pregnant grieving parents or parents with other kids:
1. You should be thankful for the kids you still have
2. You need to stop being sad and focus on the new baby you're about to have
3. You have a new baby that you need to think about now instead of thinking about the past
4. At least you have other kids...
5. You're young.. You can have more..
6. You have a new child to worry about now
There's a difference between people not knowing what to say and trying to be nice VS. saying insensitive, unkind things that should never come out of a persons mouth (like the comments above).
Why say the above things to anyone? When I had to face the reality that I could lose my child, I had to face what it could be like and I can tell you know... actually losing a child is a million times worst than anything you think it would feel like. I hope you never feel that..
It's easy to sit back and judge others or make assumptions when you haven't experienced such a loss but how dare anyone make those comments.
Think about someone that you love more than anything else and if that person was taken from your life in the blink of an eye.. would it be easy to replace them or could they ever truly be replaced? Can you replace a mother or father that passes? No! Would you say the above comments to someone who lost their parent- no! So a person that we make, grows inside our body (or adoption too).. a piece of us.. Is taken away and you think the above comments are acceptable?
We may never be the same! We will never "get over it"! NOTHING will replace a child that we've lost- NOTHING! You don't replace person A with person B.. Some people never get over a past relationship in their life but parents should get over a child that leaves their world.. empty arms, heart shattered, void in their life..
People should instead find ways to include an angel child, talk about them, and realize that just because they are not in our physical world doesn't mean they are gone from our lives! That's ridiculous!
They will always be a part of us so.. accept it, be patient, be kind, or move on.. If our pain bothers your life.. then you should move on.. please don't ever say the above comments to me.. I defend parents anytime I see or hear stuff like this.. Pointless, senseless, unkind words like this that never should be spoken, much less thought.. ❤
Grieving and anxiety..
Grieving parent & Anxiety..
Things that never would have caused me concern before can sometimes cause me panic or anxiety now..
It would seem irrational to you and the outside world but I bet another grieving parent would understand..
For example.. our house is partially packed & I needed an insulated lunch bag for tomorrow.. couldn't find one because it was packed away.. Hmmm.. What should I do..
Lily had one.. I went to one of her special boxes that has my breast feeding supplies... I pulled out her insulated, Medela bag that the hospital gave me so I could keep breast milk cold for transporting..it still had a Kosair business card in it...
I pulled it out if the box.. No big deal right?? Wrong!?! I was flooded with memories tied to that bag.. what if I use this bag tomorrow & something happens to it.. I can't do this.. I can't let anything happen.. I need another bag..
Panic sets in.. I had been in her box, flooded with memories, fear of losing her plain black insulated Medela bag..
This crap happens out if nowhere and Ricky doesn't understand.. "Calm down Amy.. It's no big deal.." I know things like this seem irrational but I also know that a big chunk of you.. sadly understand.. ❤❤
Grieving mother..our journey has many, deep layers ❤ just wanted to let you know what we go through ❤
Things that never would have caused me concern before can sometimes cause me panic or anxiety now..
It would seem irrational to you and the outside world but I bet another grieving parent would understand..
For example.. our house is partially packed & I needed an insulated lunch bag for tomorrow.. couldn't find one because it was packed away.. Hmmm.. What should I do..
Lily had one.. I went to one of her special boxes that has my breast feeding supplies... I pulled out her insulated, Medela bag that the hospital gave me so I could keep breast milk cold for transporting..it still had a Kosair business card in it...
I pulled it out if the box.. No big deal right?? Wrong!?! I was flooded with memories tied to that bag.. what if I use this bag tomorrow & something happens to it.. I can't do this.. I can't let anything happen.. I need another bag..
Panic sets in.. I had been in her box, flooded with memories, fear of losing her plain black insulated Medela bag..
This crap happens out if nowhere and Ricky doesn't understand.. "Calm down Amy.. It's no big deal.." I know things like this seem irrational but I also know that a big chunk of you.. sadly understand.. ❤❤
Grieving mother..our journey has many, deep layers ❤ just wanted to let you know what we go through ❤
So sweet and innocent..
The innocence of children..
My sweet daughter Lily became an angel 7-1/2 months ago.. some of the hardest moments or moments that catch me off guard are from my other sweet, innocent children.
Yesterday my son was so excited to show me a baby related book (baby animals) that he checked out at his school for me and today my daughter was excited to show me a baby book that she checked for me..
Blake told me "Lily is a baby that died so I wanted to get you a book about baby animals". He then told me that any baby reminds him of Lily..
Then he told me that Lily has a lot of friends in the undead world..(he corrected himself and said heaven)- if someone sees a baby ghost then you would see Lily he then said.
Makayla then told me that I needed a baby book in case my friends baby died so I could help my friend.. It would be sad for my friend but good/ happy for Lily because she would have a new friend in heaven..
You never know when these conversations will happen ❤
Q&A from a grieving Mom
Grieving Mom Question & Answer:
Question 1: Is your grief stronger or different throughout the day, at certain times of the day, or certain days of the week?
Answer: Unpredictable.. I think the grief that a grieving parent feels is very unpredictable.
When I first lost Lily yes.. Wednesdays at 3:30 pm represented exactly when I lost Lily. Tuesdays represented her funeral. Each day had a different meaning to me. In the beginning I knew how many hours, days, weeks, etc that she passed away.
I still know but it is different. I think dates are more predictable for me rather than days of the week or even times. I think dates always will be hard and that will never change (or it will always represent her or her loss to me).
The 11th represents good because it was the day she was born. The 29th is very sad because that is the day she became an angel. The number 18 represents the number of days that my angel lived. She had her surgery at 5 days old too (on a Wednesday- same day that she passed away). The 4th represents the day of her funeral. I could probably find a date, day of the week, time, etc. for many things if I really sat down and thought about it but why do that.. it would just make things harder on me.
I don't need help thinking about those hard dates and her loss.. Her loss is embeded in me.. I'll describe it this way.. Lily and my kids are always on my mind, I just don't talk about it all of the time. People bringing up Lily or my loss doesn't make me sad, I'm already sad. I may cry, I may not cry.. it just depends how strong I am at that moment. Not even strong.. but how well I can hold myself together at that moment.
Her loss is always on the surface but sometimes it's on top and I am extra emotional, sometimes it is about one layer deep and it's there.. still very raw but there.. doesn't take much to bring it back up to that extra emotional surface.. sometimes I can do other things to distract myself and not think about what happened as much.. it's always there though.
I like when people talk about Lily, remember Lily.. but sometimes I may say.. can we talk about something else or I will just change the subject because it can be too much for me.. the pain can be unbearable..
The pain is still very bad but in the beginning it is so raw- your heart actually physically hurts. I would cry so much that I would gag and thought I would throw up. I cried almost nonstop. I still have those moments but I can control it a little better. I am just as sad but it's just different but no mistaking that I am still hurting almost as badly. Maybe people say it's different as time passes.. not because it is easier but rather because in the beginning it is so raw..so new that you have to learn how to live this new life that you were given.. and now you have had several months to realize that it is real.. there is nothing that can be done..
So the best answer is that it is unpredictable.. very unpredictable. I know how many months but I don't want someone counting exact times for me because that is painful.. I know..trust me.. I KNOW and I will never forget.. I don't need someone to tell me. The most painful time are dates that have significant meaning.. her monthly birthdays, her monthly angelversary dates, and other significant dates (like one year from when the doctor asked if I wanted to terminate my pregnancy, one year from when she received her heart diagnosis, etc.. those dates.. that was hard).
Mother's Day will be hard.. holidays are hard.. it's hard.. it's all just hard but again.. other days.. unpredictable. In the beginning I had to take it second by second.. then minute by minute.. then hour by hour.. and eventually day by day.. any trigger can make my pain resurface in one second.. it's just unpredictable. Thanks for asking ♥
Question 1: Is your grief stronger or different throughout the day, at certain times of the day, or certain days of the week?
Answer: Unpredictable.. I think the grief that a grieving parent feels is very unpredictable.
When I first lost Lily yes.. Wednesdays at 3:30 pm represented exactly when I lost Lily. Tuesdays represented her funeral. Each day had a different meaning to me. In the beginning I knew how many hours, days, weeks, etc that she passed away.
I still know but it is different. I think dates are more predictable for me rather than days of the week or even times. I think dates always will be hard and that will never change (or it will always represent her or her loss to me).
The 11th represents good because it was the day she was born. The 29th is very sad because that is the day she became an angel. The number 18 represents the number of days that my angel lived. She had her surgery at 5 days old too (on a Wednesday- same day that she passed away). The 4th represents the day of her funeral. I could probably find a date, day of the week, time, etc. for many things if I really sat down and thought about it but why do that.. it would just make things harder on me.
I don't need help thinking about those hard dates and her loss.. Her loss is embeded in me.. I'll describe it this way.. Lily and my kids are always on my mind, I just don't talk about it all of the time. People bringing up Lily or my loss doesn't make me sad, I'm already sad. I may cry, I may not cry.. it just depends how strong I am at that moment. Not even strong.. but how well I can hold myself together at that moment.
Her loss is always on the surface but sometimes it's on top and I am extra emotional, sometimes it is about one layer deep and it's there.. still very raw but there.. doesn't take much to bring it back up to that extra emotional surface.. sometimes I can do other things to distract myself and not think about what happened as much.. it's always there though.
I like when people talk about Lily, remember Lily.. but sometimes I may say.. can we talk about something else or I will just change the subject because it can be too much for me.. the pain can be unbearable..
The pain is still very bad but in the beginning it is so raw- your heart actually physically hurts. I would cry so much that I would gag and thought I would throw up. I cried almost nonstop. I still have those moments but I can control it a little better. I am just as sad but it's just different but no mistaking that I am still hurting almost as badly. Maybe people say it's different as time passes.. not because it is easier but rather because in the beginning it is so raw..so new that you have to learn how to live this new life that you were given.. and now you have had several months to realize that it is real.. there is nothing that can be done..
So the best answer is that it is unpredictable.. very unpredictable. I know how many months but I don't want someone counting exact times for me because that is painful.. I know..trust me.. I KNOW and I will never forget.. I don't need someone to tell me. The most painful time are dates that have significant meaning.. her monthly birthdays, her monthly angelversary dates, and other significant dates (like one year from when the doctor asked if I wanted to terminate my pregnancy, one year from when she received her heart diagnosis, etc.. those dates.. that was hard).
Mother's Day will be hard.. holidays are hard.. it's hard.. it's all just hard but again.. other days.. unpredictable. In the beginning I had to take it second by second.. then minute by minute.. then hour by hour.. and eventually day by day.. any trigger can make my pain resurface in one second.. it's just unpredictable. Thanks for asking ♥
Diapers...
Posted on Lily's Facebook page: Never Forget Lily Grace 4/23/13
Diapers & a Grieving Parent...
So many things that a grieving parent has to go through.. you don't just lose your child.. there are so many things tied to that loss..
When I took my baby girls perfectly picked out beautiful outfit, matching hairbow, beautiful matching shoes with pink bows on them, pretty ruffled socks, beautiful baby jewelry.. I had everything for her to take the funeral home for her burial and it was perfect...
Do you know what I didn't have.. a newborn diaper..
The funeral home asked me if I had a diaper to bury her in... no.. I didn't. My sweet baby lived every day of her life in the hospital.. I didn't have one single diaper to give the funeral home..
My friend had driven me to the funeral home to take these items that day... I had a big meltdown there.. huffy, hard to breathe crying.. "No.. I don't have a diaper for my baby..I can't go buy diapers.. that's too hard... my baby needs a diaper and her Mommy doesn't even have a diaper for her.. "
My friend took care of it for me... but to this day... it's hard to think of certain baby items and not have flash backs about my beautiful Lily.
I was able to change her diaper one time during her 18 days.. that's it.. but I will cherish that one time forever...
There is just so many triggers for grieving parents and it happens when you are least prepared.. ♥
**Correction.. sorry... I was able to change her diaper one time before her open heart surgery while she was still here with us and one time after she became an angel. After she passed away.. they let me give her a sponge bath with Johnson & Johnson bedtime body wash, put Johnson & Johnson bedtime lotion on her, put a diaper on her, dress her in one of our outfits, cut her hair, brush her hair..etc.. so really I changed her twice.. ♥
Diapers & a Grieving Parent...
So many things that a grieving parent has to go through.. you don't just lose your child.. there are so many things tied to that loss..
When I took my baby girls perfectly picked out beautiful outfit, matching hairbow, beautiful matching shoes with pink bows on them, pretty ruffled socks, beautiful baby jewelry.. I had everything for her to take the funeral home for her burial and it was perfect...
Do you know what I didn't have.. a newborn diaper..
The funeral home asked me if I had a diaper to bury her in... no.. I didn't. My sweet baby lived every day of her life in the hospital.. I didn't have one single diaper to give the funeral home..
My friend had driven me to the funeral home to take these items that day... I had a big meltdown there.. huffy, hard to breathe crying.. "No.. I don't have a diaper for my baby..I can't go buy diapers.. that's too hard... my baby needs a diaper and her Mommy doesn't even have a diaper for her.. "
My friend took care of it for me... but to this day... it's hard to think of certain baby items and not have flash backs about my beautiful Lily.
I was able to change her diaper one time during her 18 days.. that's it.. but I will cherish that one time forever...
There is just so many triggers for grieving parents and it happens when you are least prepared.. ♥
**Correction.. sorry... I was able to change her diaper one time before her open heart surgery while she was still here with us and one time after she became an angel. After she passed away.. they let me give her a sponge bath with Johnson & Johnson bedtime body wash, put Johnson & Johnson bedtime lotion on her, put a diaper on her, dress her in one of our outfits, cut her hair, brush her hair..etc.. so really I changed her twice.. ♥
Don't all babies deserve the best start???
From another heart angel Mommy:
Don't all babies deserve the best start?
Another heart angel Mommy asked me to share this.. Please click on the picture, like, and share to raise awareness for pulse oximetry CCHD screening! www.savebabies.orgwww.pulseoxadvocacy.com
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=480866291983894&set=a.159566520780541.40306.150757184994808&type=1&theater
Another heart angel Mommy asked me to share this.. Please click on the picture, like, and share to raise awareness for pulse oximetry CCHD screening! www.savebabies.orgwww.pulseoxadvocacy.com
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=480866291983894&set=a.159566520780541.40306.150757184994808&type=1&theater
Don't all babies deserve the best start? Like and share to raise awareness for pulse oximetry CCHD screening!www.savebabies.org www.pulseoxadvocacy.com
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