Wednesday, January 14, 2015

10 Things I've Learned Since Losing our Daughter...

10 Things that I've learned since losing our daughter Lily Grace since she passed away in my arms 2 years ago (this picture is from that moment..):
1. every single person grieves differently

2. that just because some people are quieter about their grief, that doesn't mean they are doing better than someone who opens up about their grieving journey.. You're mislead if you think that.. some people don't speak up because society is too uncomfortable to hear or society starts judging them or for any other personal reason & that's okay but just know that one way (quiet or open) isn't better or worse than the other..

3. that grieving parents do have to learn how to live this new life without all of their children.. their new normal...

4. that people mean well when they respond to someone after hearing of their loss but really... some things really shouldn't be said.. (Please don't feel the need to fix us or the situation & it's usually better to keep it simple & say you're sorry.. and if you mean it then "I'm sorry.. I'll never forget ___..)

5. That losing a child can make you see the world differently or at least it did for me

6. That I don't believe in the stages of grieving in the sense that it follows a structured exact process of grieving... it's grief & it ebbs and flows... you never know what small bump could bounce you around "the stages"..

7. Don't judge the way a person grieves as long as they are not harmful to themselves or others.. heck I carried my daughters toy sea horse with me in my purse for at least the first year after she passed.. it was a comfort... I wasn't crazy just like a pacifier is a comfort to babies.. sometimes an item that belonged to the person, symbolic jewelry, or special items surrounding the situation can become very meaningful or comforting during the grieving journey...

8. Back to #7... don't talk like I'm not there.. whisper as I'm standing there "she lost her child or she's the one that lost her child".. especially as you introduce us or talk behind our backs about how we're doing.. we are the best judge of that... ask us

9. I can't speak for everyone but I can for many I think... say their name & don't forget them- especially on holidays, their birthdays, special dates (I.e. Would have been their first day of school or a graduation, etc).

10.. the constant trying to prove to others that we're okay can be exhausting or trying to prove that our grieving is normal... be thankful that you don't understand & you may think you understand but unless you have walked out paths then you DON'T understand.. be thankful.. 

Awkward silence...

Quickest way to end a conversation or make it awkward... Someone hearing that you had a child pass away.. 

This didn't happen today but I read something about how a grieving parents journey is so complicated because we are living the journey of many peoples worst fear.. the fear of losing a child... It's so unnatural.. not how things should be..

I heard today about someone getting their story published (their child was sick).. but then their child past away so the company/ hospital decided to not publish their story because it didn't have that happy ending.. so sometimes our stories are not always publishable because they don't give people hope of a positive ending or when people are meeting you & ask about your children & it gets to a point where they ask specifics (happens to me a lot because I have 5.. "Oh wow.. What ages..?)..

19..12..9.. 8.. & our youngest is in heaven.. "Oh.. Um.. sorry to hear that.."

Awkward silence.. It's not an ending that we picked.. but it's our life & our reality.. yes our child died but our stories are worth hearing.. our stories are pretty remarkable actually.. sad but amazing on so many levels.... .. I do understand both sides though but your moment of being uncomfortable is nothing compared to our lifetime of loss... just wanted to share my thoughts